


Getting The Help We Need

by Nyuuuuuko



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mihashi finally gets the therapy he needs, Mihashi has a stutter, Panic Attacks, Positive portrayal of therapy, Therapy, anger issues, implied/referenced eating disorder, mihashi loves goldfish, sakaeguchi works at mcdonalds, the good ol' yoinky sploinky, this has a legitimate plot i promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:48:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27441439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyuuuuuko/pseuds/Nyuuuuuko
Summary: There comes a point where you have to realize that something needs to be done about your current situation. Mihashi hits this point sobbing on the locker room floor. Abe hits this point watching blood drip from his knuckles in the dugout. From there, they both agree to see a therapist to help themselves get better, and help each other get better.
Relationships: Abe Takaya/Mihashi Ren, Hanai Azusa/Tajima Yuuichirou, Mihashi Ren & Tajima Yuuichirou, Mihashi Ren & Tajima Yuuichirou - Platonic
Comments: 14
Kudos: 33





	1. Breaking Point

A/N: Hi, this is my first AO3 story, as well as my first non-utaite story. I wrote a lot of SoraMafu stories on Wattpad and I still do, but I made this account to branch out a bit. 

TW: This story contains graphic descriptions of anxiety attacks, self injurious behavior, and mentions of a possible eating disorder.

“Your pitching sucks, Mihashi!”'  
  
“You cost us the game, you don’t deserve to be the ace!”  
  
“You don’t even deserve to be on the team!”  
  
Luckily, no one was saying these horrible things to the dirty blonde. However, Mihashi feared that those words, among countless others, could come flying out of his teammates’ mouths at any given moment.  
  
Walking into the locker room felt like entering a lion’s den. It was significantly darker than the field outside, where they had just lost the game. It wasn’t even a big game, but every game felt like the championships to Mihashi. He kept running over the mistakes he made in each inning. If only he had run faster in the first inning, threw harder in the second and third, Swung sooner in the fourth, and put his glove farther back in the fifth…  
  
“Dude, are you okay?” Tajima’s voice broke the play-by-play in his head, making him look up. Were his eyes always that cloudy? It’s not like Mihashi wasn’t used to his vision being distorted by tears, but he hated it with a burning passion when he had to cry in front of other people, no matter how close they were.  
  
Mihashi’s strained voice couldn’t form any coherent words, only a tiny whimper with a nod of his head as he took his bag to the corner of the room, where he could let tiny leaks in the dam holding back his tears slip through without anyone noticing and threatening to topple over the house of cards that held him together.  
  
He pulled off his jersey, ignoring the protruding ribs and focusing on the tiny stomach he had. If only he was thinner, this fat stomach wouldn’t get in the way, would it? Or maybe it was that he was such a crybaby. Everyone always told him that, especially back on Mihoshi.  
  
Just the thought of that school made him rehash all the memories he tried to press back into the darkest corner of his mind, along with one thought that followed him everywhere he went.  
If you mess up enough times, everywhere will become Mihoshi.  
  
By this point, a couple of teammates were pausing what they were doing, letting words of comfort to each other hang in the air and drop off as Mihash’s staggered breath and choked back tears became more audible. None of them knew what to do. They had seen Mihashi burst into tears over many things, but this felt different, a lot more serious. They stood frozen and silent.  
  
Shit, they can hear you, Mihashi thought, now they all know how much of a crybaby you are...who are you kidding, they always knew that.  
  
Mihashi flinched violently when a hand fell on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort. “Mihashi, man, it’s alright, it’s just one game.” Abe said, patting his shoulder and going back to his bag.  
  
The dam was cracking more. Mihashi knew Abe. His patience was limited, very limited. He had to pull himself together, and quick, before Abe could get mad. The last thing he needed was Abe yelling at him when he was feeling like this.  
  
Mihashi pulled his jersey to his mouth to muffle his gasps for breath as his widened eyes overflowed with tears that soaked into the fabric.  
  
“Mihashi.” The tone in Abe’s voice made Mihashi’s blood run cold. His shoulders tensed as he gripped the jersey tighter. He held his breath to not make a sound, like Abe was some volatile animal that could snap at any given second. He stood frozen, too afraid to look up into his eyes as Abe grew closer. The entire locker room watched in thick tension. Any movement or noise felt like it could cause an apocalypse.  
  
“We can’t have our ace acting like this after we lose one game,” Abe bit, “so pull yourself together!”  
  
Mihashi couldn’t hold it back after that, he sobbed into the jersey. It wasn’t the kind of cry that he let out when he was doing his usual overthinking before a game. This was a heart wrenching, broken cry that devolved into hyperventilating. A few team members flinched at how violently he was crying, shoulders heaving with failed attempts at breathing. Mihashi doubled over, losing his footing and curling up on the locker room floor.  
  
“Give him space!” Tajima spoke up, getting in between Abe and Mihashi, motioning for the catcher to move away.  
  
“You can’t tell me to do that, I’m his catcher!” Abe yelled.  
  
“Yeah, and I can see that’s helping him a lot right now!” Tajima bit back, protectively leaning over Mihashi.  
  
Abe looked down at Mihashi, covering his ears to block out the yelling as he sobbed loudly. Abe was just so upset, and he knew the whole team thought he was an asshole, so he pounded his fist into a locker, startling everyone before he stormed out of the locker room with his things.  
  
Tajima shook his head and turned back to Mihashi. “Hey, Mihashi?” Tajima called in a voice much softer than normal, “Look at me, please, Mihashi.”  
  
Mihashi still had his hands over his ears, tears pouring onto the floor. Tajima tried to get his attention by gently waving his hand in front of his eyes. This seemed to work, as Mihashi angled his head up to Tajima, fearfully looking at him. Tajima gave a smile so warm and calm in return.  
  
“There we go, you’re okay,” Tajima hushed Mihashi’s hard sobs. The cleanup hitter held a hand out to Mihashi again in a silent request to touch him. When Mihashi didn’t flinch away, he carefully laid his hand on his back and rubbed it up and down. After a few moments of this, Tajima took his other hand and repositioned Mihashi so he was sitting across Tajima’s lap. Mihashi pushed his face into Tajima’s chest, crying into the fabric that muffled him.  
  
“Shh…” Tajima hushed softly, rocking Mihashi from side to side carefully. This seemed to work better than anything else, given how after just a few moments of doing this, Mihashi’s cries quieted considerably. So, Tajima continued to do just that, not stopping until Mihashi’s cries were small sniffles and occasional whimpers.  
  
“You’re okay, Mihashi.” Tajima wiped the remaining tears off of the smaller’s face. The other hand cupped Mihashi’s trembling ones, rubbing the knuckles to soothe the shaking.  
  
It was then Mihashi became a bit more aware of what had happened, and even more aware of how the team was still looking at him. “I…” He choked out, “I-I…”  
  
“Shh, it’s okay, Mihashi, we aren’t mad.” Tajima whispered.  
  
“But A-Abe…” Mihashi whimpered, “h-he--”  
  
“--Needs to learn how to handle his anger, none of which you deserve.” Tajima interrupted him. “You can’t control this, and you don’t deserve to be yelled at.”  
  
It was the first time Mihashi had said something that so blatantly went against what his own mind was always telling him. He sniffled and leaned more into Tajima’s chest.  
  
“Speaking of Abe, does anyone know where he went?” Hanai piped up quietly.  
  
“I saw Coach Mo talking to him.” Izumi answered. 

  
  


And that was exactly what was happening. As soon as Abe had stormed out of the locker room, Coach Mo, alerted by the loud bang, followed him to the dugout. She watched Abe throw his bag across the dirty dugout, and storm around in circles, pacing past the bench he had been sitting on when the team was on the offensive just moments ago.  
  
“You’re going to have to tell me what happened at some point.” Coach Mo spoke up.  
  
“Why does it matter?!” Abe snapped. “You’re going to find some way to make me the bad guy just like everyone else!”  
  
“Abe.” Coach Mo warned, voice low unlike the shrill yelling coming from the catcher.  
  
“What!?”  
  
“You need to get a grip on your anger.”  
  
“See?! I told you, I fucking called it! You’re all against me!”  
  
“This isn’t me being against you, it’s me trying to help you!”  
  
“How is saying I’m out of control helping!?”  
  
“It isn’t! If you let me finish, I was going to offer ways to get you help!”  
  
“I don’t need help! It’s Mihashi that needs help!”  
  
“I’m not going to deny he needs help, and I’m going to talk to him too. I think that if he knew you were going too, he’d be a lot more open to going.”  
  
“How do you know that?”  
  
“Because I know Mihashi. I’ve seen how he works.”  
  
“Are you saying his catcher doesn’t know him!?”  
  
“I’m saying his catcher is too easily frustrated to understand why Mihashi is the way he is.”  
  
“Would you just leave me alone?!” Abe shouted.  
  
“There are some things we can’t just leave alone, Abe.” Coach Mo frowned. “Once you cool down, you’ll realize that.” She said while walking away to give him space.  
  
Abe punched the wall as she left his line of sight. He kept punching and punching until he pulled back and the wall was red. This was more or less his ‘oh shit’ moment. How had he not noticed how hard he was punching the wall? He looked down at his knuckles, dripping red and bruised. Maybe if he could go that far without noticing, maybe...Coach Mo was right…?  
  
No, no! If you ever admit it, they’ll never let you hear the end of it, that’s what everyone else always does!  
  
The swirling storm of angry thoughts of people bragging and begging him to say again that he was wrong made him punch the wall again, shocking him back with a sharp shock of pain. He kicked the wall a few times as the restless energy left his body. He sat down on the bench, glaring out at the field. 

  
  


By that time, Coach Mo was having the same conversation with Mihashi.  
  
“Mihashi, why don’t we look into seeing someone about this?” She asked carefully. “You don’t have anything to lose. It’s just someone who will listen and help you get through what’s got you down.”  
  
“N-No!” Mihashi whimpered, “They’re gonna ask me about all these uncomfortable things that I don’t want to talk about...I don’t think I can handle it…!”  
  
“Mihashi…” Coach Mo sighed, “do you really want those topics to be so hard for you for the rest of your life? These people will help you find out how to deal with these feelings before it gets this bad.” She noticed Mihashi’s still present apprehension, so she continued. “Really, Mihashi, I know plenty of people who go to a therapist who actually look forward to it. It’s a lot more casual than people lead you to believe. You just go in and talk about whatever’s on your mind. Those things you always wanted to talk to someone about.”  
  
“I’m not going unless you go too.” The familiar voice called everyone’s attention behind them, where Abe stood, a small trail of blood droplets behind him.  
  
“Abe…?” Mihashi whimpered. “Y-You were…”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. If you go, I’ll go too.” He huffed.  
  
Mihashi thought about it for a few minutes. Well, not so much thought as much as let his brain stop for a moment as he prepared to give the answer.

  
  


“O-Okay…”


	2. Mihashi’s First Appointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yay I decided to update!  
> Also thanks to @/allxka for the encouragement, along with all the commenters!

“I c-can’t go in…”  
  
“Yes you can.”  
  
“I-I really can’t…!”  
  
“You’d better. I’m only doing this so you will.”  
  
Mihashi flinched a little at Abe’s harsh reply. Who knew a tiny little building could tower over him like a skyscraper? He had seen this building before, he had passed it so many times. It was small enough to look like a house from the outside, that is if the words ‘Southeast Saitama Counseling Services’ hadn’t been printed on a sign at the front.  
  
Abe gripped Mihashi’s wrist and dragged him in, much to the smaller’s dismay, expressed in the form of distressed squeaks and unfinished words and fragments of sentences.  
  
The day they had gotten back from that game, Coach Mo pulled their parents aside individually to suggest that the boys each go to a therapist about their respective issues. Mihashi’s mother agreed immediately, but was also a bit unsure of how to start. Coach Mo assured her that she would help her figure out how to set up an appointment for Mihashi.  
  
Abe’s parents were a bit surprised, but not opposed. Like Mihashi’s mother, they were confused how to set it up, but they followed Mo’s instructions. That led them to where they were now, with Abe forcefully dragging Mihashi into the waiting room of the clinic.  
  
The receptionist looked up with a warm smile. “Hi, you two.” She greeted them.  
  
“Yeah, We’re Takaya Abe and Mihashi Ren.” Abe said bluntly, as he knew it would take a full five minutes for Mihashi to stutter that much out.  
  
“Oh, the two new ones, I see!” She smiled, pulling out a few papers. “I just need you two to sign in on this little tablet.”  
  
Abe looked down and signed his name quickly. He stepped to the side and looked at Mihashi expectantly. Mihashi squeaked at the realization that it was his turn and shakily picked up the pen, scraggling his name on the tablet. The secretary gave them each a clipboard to fill out and let them sit down.  
  
The questions on the clipboard were as difficult for Abe to answer as they were for Mihashi. “How difficult has your condition made your daily life?”, along with other questions, it took them a good bit to answer them.  
  
Mihashi awkwardly nudged Abe and tilted the clipboard towards him. “Um...what do I do f-for this…?” He pointed to a question. Abe looked down at the paper. Have you decreased your drug use in the past 30 days? Well, as far as Abe knew, Mihashi didn’t take any drugs, and judging by how Mihashi was asking about it, he didn’t have anything to confess.  
  
“Um...Just write ‘N/A’.”He answered, doing the same on that question on his own paper. Mihashi copied him and finished his paper.  
  
Just after he finished the paper, a petite woman came out and called his name. He flinched and looked up.  
  
“Hi, just come on back.” She smiled, pointing him to a hallway behind her.  
  
Mihashi looked to Abe, who looked up in confusion. “What? It’s not like I can go in there with you. Go on.” He waved him along as he slouched in his chair. Mihashi stood awkwardly in the middle of the aged rug in the waiting room until his legs finally willed themselves to move. She led him down to the first door on the left.  
  
“Go ahead and sit down. You can have a snack if you want.” She proposed softly as she started typing in a few things at her computer. Mihashi looked to where she had pointed, a plastic container filled with small snacks. His first thought was that he shouldn’t be eating, but then he saw the therapist pick one of the small packs out of the container. If she was eating, it meant it was okay for him to eat, right…?  
  
He looked into it again and noticed a small pack of Goldfish crackers. He loved Goldfish. Part of him wondered why hadn’t had them in so long. After getting lost in his thoughts for the millionth time that afternoon, he took the pack and sat down on the couch adjacent to her.  
  
“So, Mihashi…tell me a little bit about yourself.” She started.  
  
Crunch. “I...I’m a freshman…” Crunch. “I like baseball…” Crunch.  
  
“I heard you’re a pitcher?”  
  
Crunch. “Yeah...t-the team’s ace…” He almost felt a bit proud saying it out loud.  
  
“That’s nice!” She smiled. “I also heard you have some issues with anxiety.”  
  
Crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch  
  
“I-I--um…” He stammered, finding himself unable to find the right words to continue that conversation.  
  
“And that’s okay” The therapist caught it quickly. “It’s perfectly okay to struggle with those things. Can you pinpoint a moment where it got particularly worse? An event or an experience that causes you distress thinking about it?”  
  
CROMCHCROMCHCROMCHCROMCHCROMCHCROMCH--  
  
“I’ll take that as a yes,” She chuckled, “I did hear from your mom that you had some bad experiences on a previous team. Does that have anything to…” She paused and chuckled again, “Mihashi, if you keep chewing that fast, your jaw’s gonna fall off.”  
  
Mihashi looked up from his staring contest he was having with the Goldfish mascot. The snack smiled back and stared directly into his soul. “Um…”  
  
“It’s okay to take your time, you know…” She said soothingly.  
  
Mihashi wrinkled up the paper in his hands and frowned. “Um...it was m-my fault that it was bad…” He said, voice tiny.  
  
“Care to tell me why you think it was your fault?” She asked carefully.  
  
That was something Mihashi wasn’t ready for. His jaw stopped completely and his mind swirled around with all of the things that he did wrong, all the games he made them lose, and all the times he just couldn’t say anything when they called him out on it.  
  
“...Okay, I can tell that this is something pretty painful to remember…” She interrupted the torrent of thoughts. “We don’t have to get that all out now, we can go at it slowly.” She continued. “But in order to help you get better at managing your anxiety, we have to know what causes it to get worse. So we will have to bring it up, but I promise it’ll be very slow.”  
  
Mihashi looked down, dreading having to talk about Mihoshi.  
  
“So, what made it so bad? What happened with your old team?”  
  
“I...I lost all their games..s-so they hated me...and r-rightfully so…!”  
  
“I don’t think it was only you that made the games go bad...winning and losing are both team efforts.”  
  
“B-But I was supposed to be their pitcher! Their a-ace…!” The words stung on his tongue the second time he said it, instead of the small flush of excitement he got from it when talking about Nishiura.  
  
“No one player can decide the game, Mihashi. Pitcher is an important role, yes, but it’s not the only role on the field.”  
  
“B-But I made them feel like they couldn’t win a single game!” He gripped the empty wrapper in his hand tighter. “T-They would always look s-so defeated after a game...a-and they all knew it was because of favoritism that I got to be the pitcher! T-They knew I made the team worthless! They hated me...and I hate myself for it! T-They...they didn’t talk to me, they were always g-glaring at me, they always said mean things to me, a-and my catcher threatened to b-break my arm…!” Mihashi’s voice choked up as he talked more. He felt so horrible, breaking down in tears upon meeting someone for the first time. He balled his hands up into fists and pushed them into his eyes while pulling his knees to his chest.  
  
He couldn’t look up for a good while, but when he finally did, the therapist had a patient look on her face. She waited for him to calm down before pushing a box of tissues in his direction. He took one with a visibly shaking hand and wiped off his face, holding it under his nose when he was done.  
  
“I’m really proud of you for opening up about that.” She said, her voice much softer. Mihashi finally unraveled himself a little bit at the tone in her voice, a tone that didn’t say that she was mad at him for crying or that she wanted to hurt him. “So, Mihashi, who do you see as your support system? Do your parents help you?”  
  
“Oh, o-of course they do…!” He sniffled, “They’re really great, a-and they do the best they can…”  
  
“That’s good. Do you think you have a good family?”  
  
“Yeah, I-I really do...my mom comes to all my games, and my cousin comes by to watch sometimes…”  
  
“So, what about your team? Is this one any better?”  
  
“Y-Yeah, much better! M-My catcher listens to me...my teammates cheer me on…”  
  
“That’s nice.” She smiles. “Is there anyone on the team that you feel especially close to?”  
  
“Well, I-I’m close to all of them...but I’m pretty close to Abe...a-and the third baseman, Tajima…”  
  
“Hm, I did hear about those two from your mother. Though, I heard that the catcher can be a bit aggressive, is that true?”  
  
“Who, Abe…? A-Abe just...h-he just…”  
  
“Let me put it this way: do you feel safe telling him when you’re upset?”  
  
Mihashi looked down in his lap. Now that he thought about it, he really didn’t. He knew Abe cared about him, and he cared about Abe just as much, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that Abe wouldn’t actually be the first person he’d go to for comfort. Abe might yell at him, or grind his head between his fists like he does sometimes…  
  
“I...honestly don’t know...he really cares about me, a-and I care about him! It’s just...A-Abe isn’t always good at c-comforting people...w-which is okay!”  
  
“What kind of reaction would he have if you were to ask for his help when you feel anxious or upset?”  
  
“Um...it depends on what I’m upset about, I guess…?”  
  
“Can you elaborate on that?”  
  
“Well...he might yell at me...or he might try to help…”  
  
“Why would he yell at you?”  
  
“I-I don’t know…? Maybe I didn’t tell him soon enough, or I’m too upset about it, o-or…”  
  
“Mihashi, what makes you upset makes you upset, and that’s valid. Your catcher shouldn’t be yelling at you.”  
  
“H-He started going here too!” Mihashi blurted, in an attempt to defend Abe as if he were there.  
  
The therapist paused. “Oh, is that the other boy you were out there with?” She asked.  
  
“Y-Yeah!” He nodded his head vigorously.  
  
“Hmm, well, that’s good that he’s going. Do you know what he’s going for?”  
  
“Coach Mo said it was f-for his anger…” He fiddled with the hem of his shirt.  
  
“Ah, that’s good.” She paused again. “I think I have an idea, Mihashi.” Mihashi looked up at her and blinked. “We should definitely keep our first few visits just you and me, and just Abe and his therapist, but once you two are in the swing of things, maybe we could have the both of you sit down and have a conversation on how to help each other better. We’ll help you guys out, how does that sound?”  
  
Mihashi thought on it. Although Abe might not understand the way he is sometimes, he does want to help him, right? Why else would Abe have agreed to go when he didn’t want to? He sighed and nodded. “I think t-that’s a good idea…”  
  
She smiled. “Good. For now, though, let me ask the same question about your third baseman. Do you feel comfortable telling him when you feel upset?”  
  
Mihashi thought again before nodding. “Yes…”  
  
“Okay, so I’m gonna give you some homework, okay? I want you to talk to him about how to help you when you feel overwhelmed. That way, when things get to be a bit too much, he knows exactly how to help you. Try thinking about what things always make you feel better, and talk about it with him. Okay?”  
  
Mihashi was nervous. He hated sitting down for talks about mental health and emotions. Still, if it was someone patient and friendly like Tajima, he just might be able to do it.


	3. Abe's First Appointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abe's perspective on his first meeting.

“Lemme guess. You’re gonna tell me to count to 10 or some shit?”

The response Abe was met with was surprisingly unfazed. The 40-something man just chuckled and pushed up his thick glasses. “We get that one a lot.” He joked. “But in all seriousness, we aren’t here to tell you to stop being angry. We’re here to figure out how to express that anger in a less destructive way.”

Abe rolled his eyes. That was complete and utter bullshit, he could already tell. “Yeah. Sure.” He huffed.

The man cleared his throat. “Well, we’ll get to that. Anyway, tell me a bit about yourself.”

Abe was very selective with what he revealed. His sentences were short and blunt. “I’m Abe. I’m 16. I play baseball. I’m a freshman. I’m a catcher. And apparently I need therapy.” He spat the last sentence.

The man chuckled again. It was pissing Abe off. “So I take it it wasn’t your idea to go here? Wanna walk me through how you got here?”

“I’m only going here so my pitcher will agree to go to take care of his own issues.” He huffed. “But of course, the coach says I have ‘anger issues’.” He growled the last part.

“Well, don’t you think it would be good to have some insight on how to help him? And better yet, someone that you can rant and yell to all you want?”

Abe looked up, eyes widened in surprise a bit. “What?”

“That’s why I’m here, Abe.” He continued. “You don’t need to push down what makes you angry. Just save it all and let it out here. Punch stuff, yell, curse, say anything you want, no matter how bad it sounds. You need an outlet, I get it. I’m here so you don’t lash out at your teammates or pitcher. You can be as mad as you want at whatever makes you mad, but I want you to let that all out here, where no one will get mad at you in return. It’s not about controlling your anger, it’s controlling when you let it out.”

Abe thought for a moment. No one ever let him storm around or break things. No one let him just get out what was on his mind or let him curse. As if to test it, he suddenly just blurted out “Fuck.”

The therapist laughed. “Yes, you can say whatever order of words you want to here without judgement. Even things that you feel like you shouldn’t be thinking. If anything, I encourage it. Getting out the anger at its peak is the best way to get rid of all of it. If you filter yourself, you’re not truly getting it all out.”

“So I can tell you when my pitcher pisses me off?”

“Yes. I know you still care about him. People you love can piss you off, we all know that.”

Ignoring the L-word bomb the therapist had dropped, he continued. “What about when I’m upset with my team?”

“Anything, Abe. That’s why I’m here.”

“What about Mihashi? I’m here so I can help him…” He mumbled.

“So that’s the pitcher’s name, huh? Yeah. I think a good thing to learn is how to be patient when comforting him. People having panic attacks take some time to comfort, and it might not always seem like what you’re doing is working. So what’s best is to communicate, and figure out what helps. Once he sees that you’re trying to, he’ll be more open in the future.”

Abe sat back in the couch and sighed, picking at the arm of it, which appeared to have been picked at by numerous other patients. A comfortable silence passed before the therapist spoke up again. “You really care about him, don’t you, Abe?”

Abe nodded silently. “And you don’t feel like you can be upset with him, right?”

“Because if I do, he’ll freak out!”

Abe sat up. “Yeah, from what I hear, he can internalize those things a lot. But again, Abe. I’m here for the times you want to yell at him, but know it’s not a good idea to.”

“It’s not like I can go right to you every time he pisses me off.”

“That is true. So what I want you to do is keep a journal. Not a journal of what you day was like, or this or that...I want you to only write in it when you’re angry and need to let it out. Use every word you want to and don’t filter yourself. Then I can read it when you come back.”

Abe felt stupid at the request. “So I have to keep a diary like a little fucking girl?”

“It’s not a diary, Abe. You’re not writing your deepest, darkest secrets down. It’s more like you’re purging the anger in its purest form before you let it impact anyone else.”

Abe glared at him and leaned back. “You’re upset, aren’t you?”

“Whatever.” He grumbled.

“You feel like I’m looking down on you.”

“You are!”

“I promise you I’m not.”

“You’re telling me to keep a fucking diary and expect me to just fucking be better overnight!”

“That’s not true, Abe. None of this is overnight.”

“Yeah, well that’s what everyone expects!” Abe rose his voice, standing up.

The therapist surprisingly didn’t tell him to sit down or lower his voice. If anything, the therapist matched his volume. “And it feels like they just expect you to stop being angry and be perfect, right?!”

“Yeah! Being angry is a part of who I am! I can’t just change my fucking personality because people want me to!”

“People like that are the worst, aren’t they?!”

“The worst!!” He yelled louder.

“Tell me about it!”

“They think they’re SO FUCKING PERFECT, BUT THEY’RE JUST A BUNCH OF PATRONIZING ASSHOLES!” Abe yelled from deep in the back of his throat, slamming his fist on the table next to him. A box of tissues and a few coasters came flying off of it with a satisfying and sudden thunk. “WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE EXPECT ME TO BE PERFECT?!” Abe was panting by the time he was done. His body tingled, it felt so weird. But it was relieving in a way.

“That felt good, didn’t it?” The therapist hummed.

Good? Abe thought he wasn’t supposed to describe yelling and cursing as feeling ‘good’. Still, he nodded.

“Good. You can do that whenever you want when you’re here. All I ask is that you try not to direct it at others. I don’t expect you to be perfect, and I don’t expect this change to happen overnight. But what I want you to do is just try and recognize what tells you have before you get angry. And when you identify them, I want you to use them as warning signs to yourself. When you recognize them, think ‘what will happen if I lose control here?’ And I want you to weigh the pros and cons. Sometimes, getting angry is good. You need to stand up for yourself and others. But sometimes, lashing out will only make the situation worse. It’s going to take time to get used to thinking like this, but we’re going to work through it together.”

The therapist finished his instructions and sat back. “So, about this pitcher.” Abe perked up at the mention of him, not going unnoticed by the therapist. “My colleague who works with him wants the two of you to sit down with us so we can all work through an action plan.”

“An action plan?” Abe asked.

“As in, a plan for whenever Mihashi gets anxious. And a plan for when you can feel yourself getting frustrated. We want the both of you to communicate about what makes you both feel better, how to recognize each other’s tells, and what you can do to help. Once you’re on the same page, it’ll get a lot easier.”

This sounded perfectly fine to Abe. “Okay. I think we can do that.”

“Good.” The man smiled, “Well, we can talk with Mihashi’s therapist about doing that after a few sessions. For now, though...it looks like our time is running short.”

Abe looked to the clock. Oh, shit. Since when had an entire hour passed?! He thought he’d be staring at the clock the whole time, waiting to go home. He had gotten lost in thought before noticing the therapist opening the door. “I hope you have a great day, Abe. I’ll see you next week!”

Abe was too shocked by himself to say anything and could only nod as he walked out the door.

Mihashi left not long after, his eyes a bit red. “Were you crying?” Abe asked bluntly. Mihashi flinched at the question and stammered a bit before averting his eyes.

Abe wanted to reinforce that he was happy about Mihashi going to therapy, and he also knew Mihashi needed to gain some weight…

“Hey, Mihashi.” Abe hummed as they left the building. “Why don’t we make it a weekly routine of getting some food after therapy?”

Mihashi squeaked at the proposal. Getting food...with Abe...part of him was terrified to be eating in front of someone he lo-...liked so much. And part of him was happy to be spending more time with his catcher. He wanted Abe to be happy, so he nodded. He and Abe started on their way to a nearby restaurant.

“I’m proud of you, Mihashi…” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some much needed comic relief/fluff in this chapter! Featuring Sakaeguchi and his “sir this is a McDonald’s drive thru” ass

With a guy like Mihashi, asking what he wanted for lunch could be a several-hour long endeavor. It was near impossible to get this guy to make a decision. So, Abe decided to just speed things up. "I heard Sakaeguchi just got a part time job at McDonald's. Want to visit him?"

Mihashi made one of his typical squawks and nodded, happy at the thought of seeing one of his teammates. Abe dragged him in and watched him squirm in discomfort at the thought of ordering. He knew that letting Mihashi order by himself would cause him to stutter like crazy and be unable to say anything with the volume of anything more than a worm, which would cause more eyes on him and more anxiety...so he leaned to him. "What do you want to eat?"

Mihashi squeaked at being addressed. He really hated ordering food. "Um...j-just...u-um, I'll get a s-small thing of f-fries...?"

"No. You need to eat more than that." Abe denied bluntly. Mihashi flinched again and fidgeted with his fingers. "I'm just going to get you some food." Abe shrugged as they came up to the counter.

"Hey, you two!" The familiar face chirped. Sakaeguchi definitely looked different in a work uniform as opposed to his jersey. Abe snapped out of his thoughts as Sakaeguchi asked him another question. "Didn't expect to see you guys come in. What brought you two together?"

"..." Mihashi couldn't even muster one of his noises. He had frozen up completely, going dead silent. It wasn't that he was uncomfortable talking to Sakaeguchi, quite the contrary, but given the environment, with all the crashing pans, beeping ovens, and pressuring thoughts of having to eat, his mouth refused to make a single sound. He looked at Abe for him to answer.

Abe sighed. Mihashi couldn't rely on him to speak for him forever. However, he had just gone out of his comfort zone and probably did a lot of talking at therapy. So, he would let it slide this time. "We just got back from therapy."

Mihashi flinched and widened his eyes. He didn't think Abe would mention therapy to anyone. Still, Abe wanted to lead by example. Even though he didn't want to admit that he himself was going, he wanted to show Mihashi that there was nothing wrong about going. 

"Oh, that's good!" Sakaeguchi beamed. "Anyway, what did you guys want to order?"

Abe ordered food for both of them, and it was probably way more than what Mihashi's tiny stomach was willing to handle. Still, Abe would try to get him to eat as much as he could. 

After getting their food and sitting down, a good five minutes had passed before Abe spoke up again. "Mihashi. You've been eating the same french fry since we sat down. You need to eat!"

Mihashi reluctantly threw his head up and down in a nod and shakily grabbed a piece of chicken. Before he could bring it to his lips, an arm threw itself around his shoulder. Mihashi finally found his voice again, in the form of a petrified shriek. He whipped around to find none other than Tajima squeezing him in a welcoming side hug, Hanai not far behind.

"Oh, hey, guys." Abe nodded in acknowledgement around his food. 

"Hey," Hanai nodded back, setting down his tray. "Mind if we sit here?"

"Go ahead." He nodded, relieved that now things might not be as awkward. Also, with the group atmosphere and presence of Tajima, Mihashi might be a bit more open to eating. Tajima gleefully slid into the booth next to Mihashi and gave him a big squeeze. "'Gucci told me you just got back from therapy. You really went! That's awesome!" He flashed him a bright smile. Mihashi replied to the praise like he always did, blushing with a dopey smile and giggle. 

"So where did you guys come from?" Abe asked around a mouthful of burger.

"This is a date."

Abe choked on said mouthful of burger and, after hitting his chest a few times, managed to cough until it was free from his windpipe. "Huh?!"

"A d-d-date!?" Mihashi squeaked.

"Yeah! Didn't we tell you!?" Tajima gasped. "I thought you guys knew!"

Hanai's face was a bit red as he admitted. "W-We came out about it while those two were out practicing their pitching..."

Mihashi got over the initial shock and asked. "H-How did the team r-react...?"

Hanai chuckled awkwardly. "They were pretty excited. Mizutani said he called it, though."

"So everyone was happy about it?" Abe hummed.

"Yeah, and I assume you two are as well~?" Tajima sang.

"Y-Yeah!" Mihashi's eyes sparkled in happiness for the two. "C-Congratulations!"

Tajima laughed and ruffled Mihashi's hair in thanks. "I'm just surprised you two didn't know. I thought everyone knew about me giving Hanai the ol' yoinky sploinky once we were alone in the locker rooms."

This turn, it was Hanai's turn to choke. "Ta-ji-ma!" He coughed. "Don't mislead them like that!" he yelled, looking at Abe and Mihashi's bright red faces.

"What! It's true! I know you can't resist the ol' yoinky sploinky~"

"IT WAS JUST A KISS ON THE FUCKING CHEEK!"

"Gasp! Hanai Asuza! How dare you say the fuck word! How inappropriate! How vulgar! There are fucking children in this fucking establishment, so watch your motherfucking language, you little shit!"

Abe and Hanai had their faces in their hands while Mihashi seemed to be in thought. The team...was happy about them? The team was accepting...? 

Hanai had gotten into his own conversation with Abe by the time he was done wondering, and Tajima was staring at him, as if waiting for him to say something. 

"U-Uh...w-what...?" 

"I was asking what you did in therapy!" Tajima asked, munching on a handful of fries. 

"O-Oh...! That's right...! Um...t-the therapist...w-wanted me to t-talk to you...a-about how to um...uh...help...?"

Tajima made a noise of joy with his mouth full of at least six nuggets at the same time. "Mmf! Really! Me! Yay!" He muffled. He swallowed the huge lump of food and leaned on the table, his smile taking on a slightly more serious, yet just as welcoming tone. "So? What sorta stuff can I do to help?"

Mihashi was so taken aback by how quickly Tajima was to ask that, and how accepting he was to helping Mihashi. Mihashi took a few fries that Tajima had pushed towards him and ate them. "Um..." He started listing a few ideas, and Tajima took every single note. Mihashi was in a constant state of being blown away by how eager Tajima was to be involved. Mihashi mentioned liking to keep his hands busy, and Tajima immediately asked if he wanted to bring some of his own fidget toys in his bat bag for Mihashi. Mihashi was surprised that Tajima had such a thing, but the cleanup hitter assured him that he had a whole box full, and Mihashi could use them whenever, and even keep a few for himself. 

Abe looked over when Mihashi sounded an exaggerated gasp and a high pitched "Thank youuu!". He looked over to see a grinning Tajima.

"I don't get how he's so good with him...I'm his catcher, and I'm supposed to be the one who is that key to him..."

"Well, being an idiot is one of the few things in this world you can't learn." Hanai sighed. "Mihashi's surprisingly simple sometimes." He shrugged. 

Abe sighed. "Maybe..." He mumbled. 

"Come on, man, what's on your mind?" Hanai asked, taking a bite of his own food. 

"Nothing." Abe answered all too quickly. 

"Uh huh. Sure." Hanai deadpanned.

"Just...how did you guys..."

"Hm?"

How did you guys get the strength to come out? How did you come to terms with how you felt? How did you know what you were feeling for your teammate was love? "How did you tell the team?" 

Hanai gave a quick summary of the way that he and Tajima came out to the team while Abe and Mihashi were having their little special moment behind the Mihoshi club area. Ironically, it was that moment when Abe had his first odd thought about Mihashi. 

Watching Mihashi tremble and sob behind those bushes broke his heart and frustrated him. He wanted to help him. He wanted to see him fully confident at his full potential. He wanted to see him happy...

Abe knew he would end up in weird places again if he kept thinking about that. So, he looked back down to his burger and took another bite, hoping not to choke this time. 

The four of them talked about whatever came to their minds until Hanai and Abe had to leave. "We'll see you guys at practice tonight!" Tajima smiled, Hanai following behind him.

Click. Click. Click. 

Abe's eye twitched at a sound he couldn't hear. He looked down to Mihashi's hands, where the sounds were coming from. "Mihashi?"

Mihashi stared up from the green cube. "Y-Yes?"

"What is that?"

"O-Oh--! This...T-Tajima gave it to me! He--He said...n-not to be afraid to use it at...a-at practice..." He held it up so Abe could get a better look.

And use it at practice, he did. With some subtle encouragement from Tajima, Mihashi was clicking the button rapidly as he and Abe went over their signs. Abe couldn't tell if it was his imagination or not, but Mihashi seemed a lot more focused and comfortable at that practice. 


	5. Chapter 5

Mihashi had been dreading it for days, but here it was. He was sitting in his therapist's room, Abe to his right, with both his and Abe's therapists on each side of him. He kept looking to the side, avoiding eye contact with all three of them in the awkward silence. 

"So...are we gonna start or..." Abe was the first to break the silence. 

"I suppose that would be helpful," Mihashi's therapist chuckled, "well, first thing's first, what do you both want to gain from this meeting?"

Abe was the first to speak, as he always was. "I want to know how to help him." He answered simply. 

"Well, that's good, you're here for a good reason, then. And you, Mihashi?"

Mihashi looked down and shrugged, squeezing his own sweaty palms together. 

"Mihashi. She asked you a question." Abe added, making Mihashi flinch. 

"Abe," His therapist butt in rather quickly, "Mihashi's putting himself in a situation where he's not comfortable because he wants to get better too. Let's give him some time to collect his thoughts."

"I don't want to make Abe-kun mad anymore..." Mihashi's tiny voice spoke up after a little bit.

"Mihashi, is that the only reason you want to be here?" Mihashi's therapist asked, concern lining her voice.

"N-No...! I...I wanna be a better pitcher...and...um..."

"Mihashi, wanting to be better for other people is great, but you have to want to be better for yourself too." She added. 

"I don't want to bother the team with this..."

"Mihashi, if we don't work on this, your anxiety is gonna be harder to deal with." Abe said curtly.

"Okay," Abe's therapist interrupted, "that was a little...blunt, but I think what he meant was that the team would feel better if they knew how to help you, right, Abe?"

"Uh, yeah?" Abe shrugged, "That's literally what I just said."

"I know, it just might've come across a little different to Mihashi." He nodded.

Abe shrugged again and looked up to Mihashi's therapist. "So, what do we do now?"

"Well, we could talk about a few things. Why don't we start with what makes Mihashi's anxiety worse? We might not be able to fully eliminate all of his triggers, but at least if we know, you know when you might need to check on him."

Abe nodded. "Makes sense."

"So, Mihashi, what are some things that make you feel more anxious?"

Mihashi stammered for a bit, Abe giving him time to think this time, despite the nagging bite of irritation at the silence that filled the room. "Um...t-thinking about Mihoshi..."

Although the two therapists weren't exactly entirely caught up on everything that had happened there, Abe knew what he meant, so he nodded for him to continue. However, Mihashi seemed to be faltering. He looked down and fell back into the cycle of stammering for the right thing to say. Abe decided to do something about it this time, reaching for his hand like he always did. It was cold and a bit shaky. "What else, Mihashi?" He asked, voice as patient as he could make it.

Mihashi was a little bit encouraged by the rare patience in Abe's voice. It gave him the strength to say the next part, but his fear of the reaction made it come out in the tiniest voice he could muster. "When...A-Abe kun gets m-mad at me..."

It wasn't like this was a surprise to Abe. He knew lashing out at Mihashi made the shorter much more anxious. But it wasn't like he was doing it on purpose! Whatever, that's why he was here. While he was thinking about this, Mihashi had curled up a little bit. "What else?" Abe asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. Mihashi looked up fearfully to see Abe looking at him with a surprising amount of patience. This, again, gave Mihashi confidence to speak a little more.

"Um...body stuff..."

Of all the things that Abe thought was going to come from his mouth, that was not one of them. Abe's face contorted to one of genuine confusion. "What...?"

Mihashi appeared to just have realized what he had said. "N-Nothing! Nevermind!"

"No, Mihashi, I need to know about this!"

Mihashi's therapist quickly stepped in before the conversation to devolve. "Well, let's just say this is something we can work towards talking about. You're doing very well, Mihashi. Why don't we start talking about ways to help when things get to be a bit too much?"

Abe hated that they were dancing around the topic, but with how relieved Mihashi looked to be changing the topic, he supposed that if he was going to get as much information out of him as he could, he would have to work with it for now. 

Mihashi's therapist continued. "So, is there anything that calms you? Any of the things you talked about with Tajima?"

Abe almost felt a twinge of jealousy. Almost. Then he remembered the run he had with Tajima and Hanai. Those two were dating...and Mihashi and Tajima just shared some similar thought processes that neither Abe nor Hanai could understand. And that was fine. 

Mihashi thought back on his conversation with Tajima. What were some of the things they talked about, again?

"Um..." Mihashi's face grew a bit red. He suddenly felt selfish asking Abe to do all these things for him. But then again, he thought back to what Abe had said earlier. It would be harder to deal with if he didn't talk about this. "It helps to go to a private p-place, and um...I...l-like being held...?" His voice faltered more and more as he let out that sentence. By the end of the last word, it was the tiniest whisper. Still, given the silence of the room, Abe could hear it. 

"Okay, and? What else?"

Mihashi stammered again. His face grew redder as he tried to push back the thought that he was being selfish. When he spoke up again, his voice was significantly shakier. "Be-..." he swallowed, "b-being hushed...?"

"Mihashi," Abe started, making Mihashi flinch. He was probably asking for too much, wasn't he? "What are some things I _shouldn't_ do?"

Mihashi was surprised that Abe was asking that. He didn't seem to be upset with him, shockingly enough. He cleared his throat again. "W-Well...being loud...? I-It helps if it's r-really quiet..." Abe nodded in acknowledgement. 

"What else?"

"I guess just...d-don't get mad if it takes t-time for me to calm down...I guess...?"

"I won't get mad at you for something like that." Abe tried to hide how he felt a bit offended. 

"N-No...! I-I...I-I mean like..." Mihashi's voice raised in pitch as he tried to backpedal.

Abe's therapist spoke up for the first time in a while. "I think he means that if you try to do breathing with him or something like that, it might not always work the first time. In fact, it rarely does. When Mihashi has trouble following your breathing, or if it seems like he's calmed down and it flares up again, I think he wants you to know that it's normal."

Mihashi nodded after the older man finished the explanation. "It...It wouldn't be A-Abe-kun's fault..." He squeaked out. 

Abe sighed a bit. Knowing that Abe wasn't the only one who needed work on his wording was a bit comforting. 

Mihashi looked up to the clock in discomfort. He was getting antsy to leave, and was pleasantly surprised to see that an hour had passed, and the appointment was over.

"Well, it was nice to meet you, Abe, thank you for coming in to talk with us." Mihashi's therapist smiled, standing up. It was her usual cue that the appointment was ending. Mihashi quickly stood up and dusted off his pants as a force of habit. Abe stood up and stretched a few seconds later, nodding in acknowledgement. After checking with Mihashi that he was scheduled for the next week, the therapists let them go for the day. 

As soon as they were out of the small building, Mihashi let out a deep breath. 

"So, uh..." Abe started, "should we get headed to--"

"S-Sorry, Abe-kun...!" Mihashi swallowed. "Can we...c-can we postpone getting food...? I just...need some time...a-alone..." He stammered.

Now that Abe got a good look at him, Mihashi looked like a wreck. The poor boy had his eyes glued to the ground, and he was wringing his hands like there was no tomorrow. His first instinct was to ask Mihashi if he needed him, but then he remembered that Mihashi didn't ask to be alone often. Abe was sure that if he was asking to be by himself, that's what he wanted. The taller boy nodded. "Okay. Tonight, then? I can bring it to your house if it's...too much, or whatever..."

Mihashi nodded gratefully, yet he still seemed a bit worried. Abe sighed. "We don't need to talk about this tonight. We can just watch some pro ball. Alright?" Mihashi nodded, seeming to be a bit more relieved. "Take it easy, man." Abe put a hand on his shoulder before leaving in the opposite direction. 

Mihashi didn't waste any time rushing back to his house and locking himself in his room. He just needed a moment. After making sure he was comfortable in the silence, he called Tajima. 

It only took one ring for the third baseman to pick up. "Heyyy! Rennie! Rennifer Hudson! How'd the...oh, Mihashi..." Tajima's voice turned sympathetic upon hearing the pitcher choking on his breaths. "Did it not go well?"

"N--..." Mihashi coughed a bit. "It w-was f-" he wheezed, "noth--ing bad even h-hap-pened..."

Tajima was starting to get a fuller picture. "Oh...oh, I see. Well, let's take a few deep breaths, alright? Shh, you're okay. I get it, Ren...it's probably difficult to open up like that so suddenly...you're gonna be okay, you're doing so well. In with me, okay? In...hold it...and out. Good, good job."

After going through a few more breathing exercises with Mihashi, Tajima hummed gently. "There we go...wanna talk about how it went?"

"It--it went fine, really it did..." Mihashi coughed, catching his breath as hot puffs of air went into his pillow. "I don't know why I'm feeling like this..."

"Like I said, Mihashi, it makes sense. You dumped out a lot of stuff you aren't used to dumping out. It's gotta be at least a little bit emotionally straining. Did Abe listen?"

"Yeah...! H-He asked questions and everything..."

Tajima tried to hold back how surprised he was. It wasn't like he had no faith in Abe, but...

"Well, I'm glad it went well, Rennie." Mihashi could hear his smile through the phone.

"Me too..."


End file.
